Lately I've been in a bit of a funk, and I can't sort out the why. My life is going in such a positive direction. I'm engaged, all the wedding plans are going smoothly, I'm loved by the most wonderful man, and I love loving him.
In other arenas, though...part of me just feels so...down. Blue. Almost sad. But I'm not sad, am I? I shouldn't be. I know I shouldn't be.
So, what's going on, Amanda?
Who knows?
I feel oversensitive lately. When people supposedly "tease" me, I've been unable to let it go. I feel a fierce need to defend myself and raise my hackles. Backed into a corner, I can't just turn my head and pretend I have all the space in the world. I'm not normally like this. I'm normally more easy-going and capable of rolling my eyes or shrugging my shoulders and letting it go. Lately, though, I've felt as though letting it go would actually be more reminiscent of lying down and acting a doormat than proving myself the stronger, bigger person. In response to this, I've left a discourse community I originally enjoyed participating in because I realized that I was getting involved in petty arguments that were serving more as distractions than character-enhancements.
But why the blues? I still can't sort it out.
Surely it isn't the studying...I've been here before; I know what it is to study for comps. The first time I sunk into a deep depression, but this time is different because I have Robert with me.
I find myself daydreaming more frequently. I fantasize about married life. Walking into the door to our home and seeing Robert, Milton, and the cats. Snuggling on the couch after dinner and before bed. Waking up to him. Cooking dinner together. Grocery shopping together. Cleaning the house together. Walking Milton together. Writing my dissertation with him beside me.
198 days left to go.
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