...and all through the house...
Okay, I'm stopping there because my creativity juices are all dried up.
Very briefly, I'm going to explain a decision I made with Robert's help and support. Originally, I was scheduled to take my Shakespeare exam tomorrow morning at 7:45. But, as he and I were talking about it, we started to figure that it might be better to actually lead with the exam I'm the most freaked out about, which is my major exam on early English drama to 1642. When I say "major exam," I mean like an undergraduate degree major. Something one majors in. Because it is the exam that it is, and it carries so much weight and importance with it, I am severely nervous about it.
I broke down around 8 p.m. and completely lost it. Full on shouting, cussing, crying meltdown. Robert helped get me through it, and when I was ready to review the notes, we sat down on the couch together and went through them. The first time through, I was still in a panic, so I couldn't recall any of the information. After Robert and I dealt with my panic (by acknowledging it and talking about it), he started asking me questions in a different tack. Sure enough, I knew the information and was able to rattle on and on about different connections and ideas. By 9 p.m., he looked at me and said, "We've gone through all the notes. We're done." And that was all it took.
No, I have not studied only one hour for this exam. I have studied four months for it (well, and not to mention the years of graduate work behind me).
So, the plan is to tackle the scariest exam first so that I can get it out of the way and focus on the other two more "fun" exams: Shakespeare and general drama. I'm taking my general drama exam last because my professor plans to look at the theory on my other two lists and ask me broad, overarching questions. I'm studying to be an early modern dramatist, and his exam is really focused on all drama from the ancient Greeks to an American play that came out a couple years ago. He wants to make sure I can also draw connections from my early modern work to really any time period before and after. I think I can do that.
So, am I ready? Yes.
Am I confident? Yes.
Will I do well? Yes.
And why? Because I have the support and love of my family, Robert, and all my friends behind me. (Plus my examiners seem pretty excited to get me over this last hurdle so I can write my dissertation. I think they're interested in my claim.)
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
100 entries, 100 days
I know I predicted that I wouldn't have posted anything until after the completion of my exams, but today is an important day. Today marks the 100th day in the countdown to the wedding! We have been engaged for 413 days, what's another 100? :) Robert always promised me that we could start the countdown in earnest when we got to 100, haha. I think we're going to count in increments of 10 until a month before the wedding. I'm so excited that it's just around the corner!
Dating
We had been seeing each other only 10 months before we got engaged. But in those 10 months, our relationship was tried and tested, and we grew into more improved versions of ourselves. We met in a class the Spring of 2007 and started officially dating on Feb. 4, 2007--Super Bowl Sunday. We had been seeing each other on little dates throughout January since the beginning of the semester. I was in love with him since the very beginning, and I believe it was obvious. I was so happy and calm whenever I was around him. I felt no pressure to behave a certain way or to put on airs. I could relax and be myself. I believe this is partly true because around Feb. 7th or so, I invited my new boyfriend over to my apartment for dinner...little did he know, I had an ulterior motive. I wanted to have a sort of tell-all talk with him to lay everything out there, so that he knew what brand of crazy I was before he got any more involved. I was nervous to share all my deepest, darkest secrets with this man I had only known for a little over a month, but something in me told me to trust him. After I finished speaking, he put his hand on my knee and said, "Thank you so much for trusting me and telling me all of that." Of course, he was not scared off, and since then we've built our relationship up on the foundation of trust and open communication. When we feel anything (fear, anger, joy, sadness), we know and trust that we can divulge those emotions to our partner in a safe environment and not be ridiculed or pushed way. Instead, it seems that when we freely express ourselves to one another, our love is deepened and strengthened. And in addition to all the "heavy" emotional stuff, I have always had fun with Robert. Since day one. He makes me laugh, he helps me find the joy in any situation, and I always feel safe with him.
The proposal
Robert proposed to me on Christmas morning, 2007 at his parents' house. Their traditional gift exchange is very similar to our gift exchange, each person taking a turn opening a gift so that everyone can give that person attention. I opened a few presents from Robert and his parents, things like a journal and a beautiful pearl bracelet. When it came my turn again to open another present, Robert instructed me to open a wrapped book. (We English nerds can always tell when we got a book.) I opened it from the top and saw pages--I started to get very excited because there were a few wonderful books on my list that year. As I tore off the paper from the cover, I saw the title and became perplexed. It read: Wedding Planning for Dummies. I looked at Robert (who was seated on the floor while I was on the couch) and said, "But we're not...." My voice trailed off as I watched him reach from behind to pull out a ring box. And that's when he proposed.
The night before we had gone to his grandmother's house for Christmas Eve dinner, and when we returned, I told him privately how much I loved his family and enjoyed spending time with them. Robert tweaked his earlier proposal idea to fit the theme of our conversation. He said, "Baby, you know how last night you said you wanted to become a member of my family, you wanted to be a part of it? Will you marry me?" We both started crying; I leaned over and hugged him so tightly and we kissed several times (right in front of his family, haha). When we composed ourselves, we both realized I hadn't spoken the word "yes" yet, and I hadn't even glanced at the ring. Laughing, Robert asked, "So? Is that a yes?" I kissed him again and said, "Yes!" He pulled the ring out of the box, I finally looked at it, my jaw dropped (because it is so much more than I ever anticipated), and I put it on my shaking hand. To our surprise and delight, it fit! Aside from necessity (cooking particularly messy foods, swimming, that sort of thing), I have not removed this ring since that day. I am excited to add its partner, the wedding band which accompanied it, to my finger as well.
I am also so grateful to his mom for taking pictures during the proposal. I printed off several copies and framed them as gifts to our mothers and grandmothers for Mother's Day last year. I also have them framed in my apartment. When I feel tired or bogged down, I look at those pictures and am made calm.
Engagement
This past Christmas (2008), we celebrated the anniversary of our engagement. Robert was a little perturbed by this simply because it's not very common for a couple to have such a long engagement, at least not in our social circles. But we remind each other all the time of why we had to wait to have our wedding. In general, our academic obligations really dictated what time of year and when we would be able to be married. Specifically, I didn't want to have to plan the final details of a wedding while studying for exams which I was originally slated to take Fall 2008, and we originally thought that he would be graduating a week before our wedding from the M.Ed. program. Of course, things change. We had a couple of heart-rending family deaths to deal with, and I ended up having back surgery in May. Every once in a while, when I feel the weight of a 400-day-long engagement bearing down on me, I just imagine having to walk down the aisle with a herniated disk. I wouldn't have been able to have stood through the entire ceremony, nor would I have been able to dance at the reception. In the end, it has truly worked out for the best.
In my heart, and I know in his heart as well, we are already married. We've been married for quite some time now. In our view marriage is merely the unification of two souls and two lives. We've united our souls in a way that cannot be broken, no matter how much life will try us. Our lives have been unified as much as they can when two people live in two separate homes, but we feel each other in our daily lives, no matter if we're in the same room or not.
Of course our lives are not perfect, and we have our little arguments, but we always come back to the same conclusion: we love and trust each other enough to express our true emotions and know that those true emotions will be handled with dignity.
I love you, Robert! I am honored to know that you chose me to stand beside you, and that in 100 days I will be your wife.
Dating
We had been seeing each other only 10 months before we got engaged. But in those 10 months, our relationship was tried and tested, and we grew into more improved versions of ourselves. We met in a class the Spring of 2007 and started officially dating on Feb. 4, 2007--Super Bowl Sunday. We had been seeing each other on little dates throughout January since the beginning of the semester. I was in love with him since the very beginning, and I believe it was obvious. I was so happy and calm whenever I was around him. I felt no pressure to behave a certain way or to put on airs. I could relax and be myself. I believe this is partly true because around Feb. 7th or so, I invited my new boyfriend over to my apartment for dinner...little did he know, I had an ulterior motive. I wanted to have a sort of tell-all talk with him to lay everything out there, so that he knew what brand of crazy I was before he got any more involved. I was nervous to share all my deepest, darkest secrets with this man I had only known for a little over a month, but something in me told me to trust him. After I finished speaking, he put his hand on my knee and said, "Thank you so much for trusting me and telling me all of that." Of course, he was not scared off, and since then we've built our relationship up on the foundation of trust and open communication. When we feel anything (fear, anger, joy, sadness), we know and trust that we can divulge those emotions to our partner in a safe environment and not be ridiculed or pushed way. Instead, it seems that when we freely express ourselves to one another, our love is deepened and strengthened. And in addition to all the "heavy" emotional stuff, I have always had fun with Robert. Since day one. He makes me laugh, he helps me find the joy in any situation, and I always feel safe with him.
The proposal
Robert proposed to me on Christmas morning, 2007 at his parents' house. Their traditional gift exchange is very similar to our gift exchange, each person taking a turn opening a gift so that everyone can give that person attention. I opened a few presents from Robert and his parents, things like a journal and a beautiful pearl bracelet. When it came my turn again to open another present, Robert instructed me to open a wrapped book. (We English nerds can always tell when we got a book.) I opened it from the top and saw pages--I started to get very excited because there were a few wonderful books on my list that year. As I tore off the paper from the cover, I saw the title and became perplexed. It read: Wedding Planning for Dummies. I looked at Robert (who was seated on the floor while I was on the couch) and said, "But we're not...." My voice trailed off as I watched him reach from behind to pull out a ring box. And that's when he proposed.
The night before we had gone to his grandmother's house for Christmas Eve dinner, and when we returned, I told him privately how much I loved his family and enjoyed spending time with them. Robert tweaked his earlier proposal idea to fit the theme of our conversation. He said, "Baby, you know how last night you said you wanted to become a member of my family, you wanted to be a part of it? Will you marry me?" We both started crying; I leaned over and hugged him so tightly and we kissed several times (right in front of his family, haha). When we composed ourselves, we both realized I hadn't spoken the word "yes" yet, and I hadn't even glanced at the ring. Laughing, Robert asked, "So? Is that a yes?" I kissed him again and said, "Yes!" He pulled the ring out of the box, I finally looked at it, my jaw dropped (because it is so much more than I ever anticipated), and I put it on my shaking hand. To our surprise and delight, it fit! Aside from necessity (cooking particularly messy foods, swimming, that sort of thing), I have not removed this ring since that day. I am excited to add its partner, the wedding band which accompanied it, to my finger as well.
I am also so grateful to his mom for taking pictures during the proposal. I printed off several copies and framed them as gifts to our mothers and grandmothers for Mother's Day last year. I also have them framed in my apartment. When I feel tired or bogged down, I look at those pictures and am made calm.
Engagement
This past Christmas (2008), we celebrated the anniversary of our engagement. Robert was a little perturbed by this simply because it's not very common for a couple to have such a long engagement, at least not in our social circles. But we remind each other all the time of why we had to wait to have our wedding. In general, our academic obligations really dictated what time of year and when we would be able to be married. Specifically, I didn't want to have to plan the final details of a wedding while studying for exams which I was originally slated to take Fall 2008, and we originally thought that he would be graduating a week before our wedding from the M.Ed. program. Of course, things change. We had a couple of heart-rending family deaths to deal with, and I ended up having back surgery in May. Every once in a while, when I feel the weight of a 400-day-long engagement bearing down on me, I just imagine having to walk down the aisle with a herniated disk. I wouldn't have been able to have stood through the entire ceremony, nor would I have been able to dance at the reception. In the end, it has truly worked out for the best.
In my heart, and I know in his heart as well, we are already married. We've been married for quite some time now. In our view marriage is merely the unification of two souls and two lives. We've united our souls in a way that cannot be broken, no matter how much life will try us. Our lives have been unified as much as they can when two people live in two separate homes, but we feel each other in our daily lives, no matter if we're in the same room or not.
Of course our lives are not perfect, and we have our little arguments, but we always come back to the same conclusion: we love and trust each other enough to express our true emotions and know that those true emotions will be handled with dignity.
I love you, Robert! I am honored to know that you chose me to stand beside you, and that in 100 days I will be your wife.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Feeling ill and ill-prepared
My stomach is on fire and gurgling. I've been taking Maximum Strength Pepcid A/C under the consultation of my family's general practitioner, and I'm still feeling like I could puke, but that it'd only be acid.
Whenever I think about my forthcoming exams, one week away as of today, I feel like I want to curl into a ball and hide. I keep telling myself that I am not the only one in the history of the world having taken the exams, there are hundreds of years of doctoral candidates to prove that. I know that two weeks from today I'll feel better, and I'll look back and believe I'd overreacted entirely.
But right now my stomach is in fiery knots.
I canceled class because I don't feel well enough to move off the couch. I'm going to spend the day studying and hoping that that will alleviate the stress and stomach acid.
My friends and committee members are all confident that I know more than I think I do. But the reality is that there are huge gaping holes where I feel like I haven't prepared enough. Entire plays I haven't read. Just thinking that makes my stomach gurgle even more, quite obviously the point of all the stress. I'm feeling panicked over what I haven't read because I'm afraid that those specific works will be on the exams, and that I won't be able to write the appropriate essays. Of course, I don't know what the exam questions are going to be, so they could very well be much better. Here's the general rundown for a typical exam:
Minor exam: 3 essay questions, lasting one hour each for a grand total of 3 hours testing time; there are two minor exams.
Major exam: 3 essay questions, lasting over an hour each for a grand total of 4 hours testing time; there is one major exam.
I have some general notions about the direction my examiners' questions will take, but not knowing the specifics is starting to freak me out.
This might be my last post until after exams. See you on the other side.
Whenever I think about my forthcoming exams, one week away as of today, I feel like I want to curl into a ball and hide. I keep telling myself that I am not the only one in the history of the world having taken the exams, there are hundreds of years of doctoral candidates to prove that. I know that two weeks from today I'll feel better, and I'll look back and believe I'd overreacted entirely.
But right now my stomach is in fiery knots.
I canceled class because I don't feel well enough to move off the couch. I'm going to spend the day studying and hoping that that will alleviate the stress and stomach acid.
My friends and committee members are all confident that I know more than I think I do. But the reality is that there are huge gaping holes where I feel like I haven't prepared enough. Entire plays I haven't read. Just thinking that makes my stomach gurgle even more, quite obviously the point of all the stress. I'm feeling panicked over what I haven't read because I'm afraid that those specific works will be on the exams, and that I won't be able to write the appropriate essays. Of course, I don't know what the exam questions are going to be, so they could very well be much better. Here's the general rundown for a typical exam:
Minor exam: 3 essay questions, lasting one hour each for a grand total of 3 hours testing time; there are two minor exams.
Major exam: 3 essay questions, lasting over an hour each for a grand total of 4 hours testing time; there is one major exam.
I have some general notions about the direction my examiners' questions will take, but not knowing the specifics is starting to freak me out.
This might be my last post until after exams. See you on the other side.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Reading versus studying
A colleague who recently achieved ABD status last November gave me some solid advice on Saturday afternoon. She said:
"I never understood why they call it 'reading for exams.' You're not reading for exams. You're studying for exams. There's quite a difference."
She's right.
"Reading for exams" implies a depth of comprehension achieved only when every single word has been consumed on every single page, cover to cover. With a cumulative reading list of 300 items, this is nigh-on impossible.
"Studying for exams" suggests, rather, a general glossing of the detailed material, focusing instead on thematic importance and treatment as well as on authorial idiosyncrasies.
I will be expected not to quote from my texts nor to close-read specific passages. I know this from conversations I've had with my examiners--every exam is different, so it is possible for a candidate to take an exam for which they're expected to close-read a given passage.
Instead, according to two-thirds of my committee (I don't meet with my third examiner until this afternoon), I will be expected to make critical connections between primary and secondary sources, a skill I've developed since my days as an undergraduate English major. If a PhD candidate cannot make critical connections by the time they are taking exams, then they should really reconsider their program placement. Sounds elitist, but, frankly, it's the job we're paid to do. An inability to perform that job in any capacity hampers the ability to perform the job in the classroom.
I am confident in my capacity to draw unforeseen connections. I've been paid to do that for nearly five years now. I've been trained to do that for nearly nine. I have a natural inclination toward it (at least as I've been told by my parents and past teachers).
So, rather than reading for exams, the goal is to study for them. A critical difference in semantics that can cost the outcome of the exam.
I'll sound a little like a PSA or a drug commercial or lawsuit commercial:
If you are, or someone you know is, facing preliminary/comprehensive/qualifying examinations, heed the advice: don't read for exams. Study for them.
"I never understood why they call it 'reading for exams.' You're not reading for exams. You're studying for exams. There's quite a difference."
She's right.
"Reading for exams" implies a depth of comprehension achieved only when every single word has been consumed on every single page, cover to cover. With a cumulative reading list of 300 items, this is nigh-on impossible.
"Studying for exams" suggests, rather, a general glossing of the detailed material, focusing instead on thematic importance and treatment as well as on authorial idiosyncrasies.
I will be expected not to quote from my texts nor to close-read specific passages. I know this from conversations I've had with my examiners--every exam is different, so it is possible for a candidate to take an exam for which they're expected to close-read a given passage.
Instead, according to two-thirds of my committee (I don't meet with my third examiner until this afternoon), I will be expected to make critical connections between primary and secondary sources, a skill I've developed since my days as an undergraduate English major. If a PhD candidate cannot make critical connections by the time they are taking exams, then they should really reconsider their program placement. Sounds elitist, but, frankly, it's the job we're paid to do. An inability to perform that job in any capacity hampers the ability to perform the job in the classroom.
I am confident in my capacity to draw unforeseen connections. I've been paid to do that for nearly five years now. I've been trained to do that for nearly nine. I have a natural inclination toward it (at least as I've been told by my parents and past teachers).
So, rather than reading for exams, the goal is to study for them. A critical difference in semantics that can cost the outcome of the exam.
I'll sound a little like a PSA or a drug commercial or lawsuit commercial:
If you are, or someone you know is, facing preliminary/comprehensive/qualifying examinations, heed the advice: don't read for exams. Study for them.
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