Pro: losing weight makes you look sexier
Con: as long as you have the smaller clothes to fit
I'm wearing a shirt that really looked cute on me two months ago at Robert's brother's graduation. Today, I put it on without having to unzip the side first, and I noticed that my boobs look saggy. My boobs are not saggy, thank you very much. There's this collection of material, however, at the bottom of my boobs that makes them appear granny-like. I don't feel sexy today. Today, I feel like I'm wearing a potato sack. Large boobs? Yup, got 'em. Saggy boobs? Absolutely not. Damn shirt.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Rested
I'm rested now; I went to bed around 2 a.m. and woke up around 9:30. I'm still a little sleepy, but that's mostly because I'm not as much of a morning person as I used to be.
The plan of action for today:
1. Go in to the office and finish lesson planning today's lesson on Faust.
2. Grade the three sets of quizzes I haven't graded yet...that need to be returned to my students today.
3. Likely meet with the bookoos of students who are probably going to be lined outside my door to talk about their papers (which are due tomorrow).
4. Teach.
5. Meet with a couple more students about their papers after class and way after my office hours are technically over.
6. Go to the gym with Robert and work out. (Yesterday my abs were basically in tetani and wouldn't allow me to do 300. They feel better today, so I'll be back on the horse.)
7. Go home and finish reading the second half of Faust, read Death and the King's Horseman if I can.
8. Read Robert's seminar paper, this time thinking like a crazy communications professor who has very strange ideas about how good papers are written. (Ah...sorry...got a touch defensive there...)
9. Lesson plan for tomorrow, which includes finishing up my final exam review sheet and most (if not all) of the final exam.
Friday evening, Saturday, and part of Sunday are going to be dedicated to grading papers. Although, I've been reminded by a lot of very smart people that because this is the last paper of the semester, I don't need to be wasting my time with comments. They're right. That would make grading go A LOT faster. I'm considering it.
The girls are thinking about meeting for dinner on Friday evening and then seeing The Dark Knight...again, for most of us....and I feel a little like Cinderella. "Finish your work, Cinderella, and then you can maybe go to the ball."
Oh, and because she was so right on with my failed ending in my last post, I'm reposting Jack's edited ending. I think it's suitable (likely) for the next few posts to come. Thanks Jack. I need all the reminders I can get at this point.
"And then I remember that I am an intelligent and strong woman surrounded by an awesome family, friends, and a wonderful man that loves me. It also occurs to me that Labor Day weekend is around the corner, and my friends and Robert love me so much that THAT weekend is all about me. I can't wait for a little break."
(P.S. For those not in the know, Jack has been planning a secret Labor Day weekend for me FOR MONTHS. I don't know where we're going, what we're doing [beyond a little karaoke on Friday night], or how long we'll be where we are...though I can assume we'll be back by Tuesday, lol. She's been assisted by accomplices such as Robert, my cousin, and other of my friends. I know it must have been a lot of hard work up to now, and I'm truly honored and appreciative of everyone's efforts to give me something special. I'm so excited to see what Jack has been cooking up for so long! :))
The plan of action for today:
1. Go in to the office and finish lesson planning today's lesson on Faust.
2. Grade the three sets of quizzes I haven't graded yet...that need to be returned to my students today.
3. Likely meet with the bookoos of students who are probably going to be lined outside my door to talk about their papers (which are due tomorrow).
4. Teach.
5. Meet with a couple more students about their papers after class and way after my office hours are technically over.
6. Go to the gym with Robert and work out. (Yesterday my abs were basically in tetani and wouldn't allow me to do 300. They feel better today, so I'll be back on the horse.)
7. Go home and finish reading the second half of Faust, read Death and the King's Horseman if I can.
8. Read Robert's seminar paper, this time thinking like a crazy communications professor who has very strange ideas about how good papers are written. (Ah...sorry...got a touch defensive there...)
9. Lesson plan for tomorrow, which includes finishing up my final exam review sheet and most (if not all) of the final exam.
Friday evening, Saturday, and part of Sunday are going to be dedicated to grading papers. Although, I've been reminded by a lot of very smart people that because this is the last paper of the semester, I don't need to be wasting my time with comments. They're right. That would make grading go A LOT faster. I'm considering it.
The girls are thinking about meeting for dinner on Friday evening and then seeing The Dark Knight...again, for most of us....and I feel a little like Cinderella. "Finish your work, Cinderella, and then you can maybe go to the ball."
Oh, and because she was so right on with my failed ending in my last post, I'm reposting Jack's edited ending. I think it's suitable (likely) for the next few posts to come. Thanks Jack. I need all the reminders I can get at this point.
"And then I remember that I am an intelligent and strong woman surrounded by an awesome family, friends, and a wonderful man that loves me. It also occurs to me that Labor Day weekend is around the corner, and my friends and Robert love me so much that THAT weekend is all about me. I can't wait for a little break."
(P.S. For those not in the know, Jack has been planning a secret Labor Day weekend for me FOR MONTHS. I don't know where we're going, what we're doing [beyond a little karaoke on Friday night], or how long we'll be where we are...though I can assume we'll be back by Tuesday, lol. She's been assisted by accomplices such as Robert, my cousin, and other of my friends. I know it must have been a lot of hard work up to now, and I'm truly honored and appreciative of everyone's efforts to give me something special. I'm so excited to see what Jack has been cooking up for so long! :))
Midnight musings
Maybe I'll take a Unisom tonight. I'm really exhausted, but I'm not sure how well I'll sleep...aside from last night, the past several nights' sleep has been a bit tumultuous and hard to come by. It might be too late for a Unisom now that I think of it. I'll hope for a good, regular sleep though.
These next few days are going to be hard. These past few weeks have been hard. I feel worn out, dragged down, threadbare. I'm trying so hard to push through; I know it's only a little while longer. Robert reminds me that every time I complain of how tired I am. But that doesn't stop me from being tired. I'm just tired. Maybe I won't agree to teach a 5-week minimester again...this is ridiculous. Well, especially since the course I'm teaching is World Lit. II, so the material is nearly foreign to me. I walk into the classroom feigning confidence and competence; and, when my students ask me questions, every day I feel a slight panic in my heart: am I misleading them? do I say "I don't know" again? when will this come back to haunt me? This process exhausts me.
It's true that students respect a teacher who is honest with them. There is such a thing as too much honesty, however. There is such a thing as self-incrimination in the classroom. There are times when a teacher should be honest with her students and tell them, "You know...the details of eighteenth-century Shinto beliefs is an area in which I am sorely lacking." (A fancy "I don't know.") But then there are other times when the students are surely tired of hearing "I don't know" from their teacher. What does she know? When is she going to instruct? The potential of those questions causes my resolve to quake.
Tonight, while hanging out with a few of my grad school girl friends and a couple new faces, I was informed that there is a prerequisite hoop I have to jump through before I can jump through the hoop of my preliminary examinations. Not only that, but this prerequisite hoop must be completed a semester in advance of the exams. The good news is that I found out now--my exams will be in January/February, so I haven't missed the deadline. The bad news is that now my fears are elevated: what other preliminary hoops have I ignored? I'm too tired tonight to deal with it...and I'm afraid of the memory loss that plagued me all last semester (medically-induced, though it was). I'm afraid of residual memory loss, I suppose. I don't want to forget these prerequisites. I don't want to postpone my PhD because of a formality--a misplaced justification, an unwritten prospectus, an incomplete form.
I'm tired all the time now. I hardly have enough energy to keep ahead of my own class--I'm reading the homework I myself assigned at midnight the night before it's due. Maybe my priorities are out of whack. I look to my right and see a table overburdened by books...and only 2/3 of the total requisite books. I have hardly made a dent. When I mentioned this to my fellow PhD third-years tonight, they balked and said in a chorus, "You haven't really started reading yet?? We're worried! What are you going to do??" I don't know. Keep reading? Start reading more diligently? Hole myself up in my apartment until January with only a book light to keep me company?
And these are not where my priorities are!
And I don't want to refocus my priorities...I don't want to be the one-dimensional graduate student any more. I want to think about and see my fiancé. I want to think about my wedding. I want to see my family. I want to study for my exams at a leisurely pace.
Why didn't I take time off between academic levels at least once? (This is not to say that I'm ungrateful for my path...if I had taken time off, I might not have met Robert. In my non-academic life, I jealously guard my decisions because they were right. In my academic life...I'm exhausted and have nothing to add. I want to recharge. I want time off. I want to sleep weeks and weeks away until I feel refreshed again.)
Here is why I'm exhausted: the push and pull of my decisions keep my mind whirring.
I know. The decisions I made are the ones I made. There is no repeating the past and undoing it. That's true. I wouldn't want to undo it. Making the opposite decisions (taking a year off between my Master's and PhD, for example) would not have led me here...and I couldn't be made any happier where I am. I'm just tired of being a student. I want to start my life. I want to start my career, my marriage, my family. Maybe I'm restless...and exhausted...it's a vicious cycle.
I'll be fine, I know.
These next few days are going to be hard. These past few weeks have been hard. I feel worn out, dragged down, threadbare. I'm trying so hard to push through; I know it's only a little while longer. Robert reminds me that every time I complain of how tired I am. But that doesn't stop me from being tired. I'm just tired. Maybe I won't agree to teach a 5-week minimester again...this is ridiculous. Well, especially since the course I'm teaching is World Lit. II, so the material is nearly foreign to me. I walk into the classroom feigning confidence and competence; and, when my students ask me questions, every day I feel a slight panic in my heart: am I misleading them? do I say "I don't know" again? when will this come back to haunt me? This process exhausts me.
It's true that students respect a teacher who is honest with them. There is such a thing as too much honesty, however. There is such a thing as self-incrimination in the classroom. There are times when a teacher should be honest with her students and tell them, "You know...the details of eighteenth-century Shinto beliefs is an area in which I am sorely lacking." (A fancy "I don't know.") But then there are other times when the students are surely tired of hearing "I don't know" from their teacher. What does she know? When is she going to instruct? The potential of those questions causes my resolve to quake.
Tonight, while hanging out with a few of my grad school girl friends and a couple new faces, I was informed that there is a prerequisite hoop I have to jump through before I can jump through the hoop of my preliminary examinations. Not only that, but this prerequisite hoop must be completed a semester in advance of the exams. The good news is that I found out now--my exams will be in January/February, so I haven't missed the deadline. The bad news is that now my fears are elevated: what other preliminary hoops have I ignored? I'm too tired tonight to deal with it...and I'm afraid of the memory loss that plagued me all last semester (medically-induced, though it was). I'm afraid of residual memory loss, I suppose. I don't want to forget these prerequisites. I don't want to postpone my PhD because of a formality--a misplaced justification, an unwritten prospectus, an incomplete form.
I'm tired all the time now. I hardly have enough energy to keep ahead of my own class--I'm reading the homework I myself assigned at midnight the night before it's due. Maybe my priorities are out of whack. I look to my right and see a table overburdened by books...and only 2/3 of the total requisite books. I have hardly made a dent. When I mentioned this to my fellow PhD third-years tonight, they balked and said in a chorus, "You haven't really started reading yet?? We're worried! What are you going to do??" I don't know. Keep reading? Start reading more diligently? Hole myself up in my apartment until January with only a book light to keep me company?
And these are not where my priorities are!
And I don't want to refocus my priorities...I don't want to be the one-dimensional graduate student any more. I want to think about and see my fiancé. I want to think about my wedding. I want to see my family. I want to study for my exams at a leisurely pace.
Why didn't I take time off between academic levels at least once? (This is not to say that I'm ungrateful for my path...if I had taken time off, I might not have met Robert. In my non-academic life, I jealously guard my decisions because they were right. In my academic life...I'm exhausted and have nothing to add. I want to recharge. I want time off. I want to sleep weeks and weeks away until I feel refreshed again.)
Here is why I'm exhausted: the push and pull of my decisions keep my mind whirring.
I know. The decisions I made are the ones I made. There is no repeating the past and undoing it. That's true. I wouldn't want to undo it. Making the opposite decisions (taking a year off between my Master's and PhD, for example) would not have led me here...and I couldn't be made any happier where I am. I'm just tired of being a student. I want to start my life. I want to start my career, my marriage, my family. Maybe I'm restless...and exhausted...it's a vicious cycle.
I'll be fine, I know.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Slightly bigger steps
Well, only slightly, but good ones and worth mentioning nonetheless.
Today, Robert and I went to the gym around 4 or so, and we're just now getting back. I need to take my stinky ass to the shower because I forgot to give my underarms an extra swipe of deodorant before going to the gym (and after sweating my butt off walking to the classroom). Ew.
Well, today's accomplishment is this: I usually do 3 sets of 50 ball sit-ups (where you sit on a ball and sit-up...fairly self-explanatory now that I think of it). But I noticed those weren't really making me work as much as I had expected them to. So, I decided during my first set of 50 that I was going to go to 75. Once I got to 75, I thought, "Eh, what's 25 more?" By 75, however, my abdominals were starting to really work and burn. I pushed through to the first set of 100. Then, I did a second set...also of 100. Not one to completely skimp, I went for my third set...of 100.
Today, I doubled the number of ball sit-ups I do on a daily basis! I can truly feel it in my abs right now, but I'm not in so much pain that I can't function...I'm just mostly "aware" of my muscles. This is a good sign. Once I finished my second set of 100, I looked at Robert (blood rushing to my head and looking oh-so-fine, I'm sure) and said, "I am going to have a sexy tummy, dammit. That's a promise to you."
And I am going to have a sexy tummy, dammit! :)
So, today: minus 2 pounds AND 300 total ball sit-ups. Woo-hoo! :)
Today, Robert and I went to the gym around 4 or so, and we're just now getting back. I need to take my stinky ass to the shower because I forgot to give my underarms an extra swipe of deodorant before going to the gym (and after sweating my butt off walking to the classroom). Ew.
Well, today's accomplishment is this: I usually do 3 sets of 50 ball sit-ups (where you sit on a ball and sit-up...fairly self-explanatory now that I think of it). But I noticed those weren't really making me work as much as I had expected them to. So, I decided during my first set of 50 that I was going to go to 75. Once I got to 75, I thought, "Eh, what's 25 more?" By 75, however, my abdominals were starting to really work and burn. I pushed through to the first set of 100. Then, I did a second set...also of 100. Not one to completely skimp, I went for my third set...of 100.
Today, I doubled the number of ball sit-ups I do on a daily basis! I can truly feel it in my abs right now, but I'm not in so much pain that I can't function...I'm just mostly "aware" of my muscles. This is a good sign. Once I finished my second set of 100, I looked at Robert (blood rushing to my head and looking oh-so-fine, I'm sure) and said, "I am going to have a sexy tummy, dammit. That's a promise to you."
And I am going to have a sexy tummy, dammit! :)
So, today: minus 2 pounds AND 300 total ball sit-ups. Woo-hoo! :)
Little steps
This morning I woke up feeling...corpulent. But the mirror didn't quite agree with my mental feeling of uncontrolled obesity. So, I hopped on the scale before getting dressed, and the mirror's interpretation was confirmed: I've lost two pounds since Robert and I started working out last week. Even with four days off, I've still lost weight!
Fine, so two pounds may not be enough to help me drop a size (that'd be ten pounds), but it is enough to help turn my mind toward the attainable goals I've set for myself. If I'm going to be completely honest with my friends (who are the most likely readers of this blog), then I'll expose my goals in embarrassing detail.
Current stats: 5'3", 213 pounds (down from 215), bust size 40H (yes, H), pant size 18.
Goals:
September 13, 2008: My sister (maid-of-honor) is hosting my first bridal shower (for friends). I want to be at least a size 14 by then. Since dropping a pant size requires roughly a drop of 10 pounds, that would be about 20 pounds by September...which would put me below 200 pounds, thank God.
December 25, 2008: Robert proposed on Christmas morning 2007. I want to be around a size 12 or even a 10 by this Christmas, which would be an additional 10-20 pounds since September.
April 7, 2009: My aunt is hosting my second bridal shower (for family). By this date, I'd like to either be a definite size 10 or...if *gasp*...possible...a size 8. By the way, I'm not interested in becoming a stick figure. I would look irresistible as a size 8. By April, that would be a total of roughly 50 pounds.
May 23, 2009: The wedding date! I think a size 8 wedding dress would be perfect for me. I truly don't know if I'd want to go any smaller than that...it's been a while since I've been in the single digits anyway. Maybe a size 6? Wow...that number kind of intimidates me....
Things I want to keep: my breasts (though maybe take them down to a DD or D), my hips, a smaller version of my butt. When I was a senior in high school, about eight years ago, I weighed around 130 pounds. At the time, I thought I was a cow; however, gaining 100 pounds over the past eight years gave me a little perspective. I look at those pictures from that year, and I realize just how adorable I was. How boys managed to keep their hands off me, I'll never know. (Oh yeah, it could have something to do with the fact that I was a mondo-geek, hahaha.)
I want to be beautiful for my wedding. But I think I would feel beautiful at any weight...I feel beautiful just from the way Robert looks at me. More importantly than feeling beautiful, though, is that I want to be healthy for my marriage. I want to have healthy habits in place by the time we're married so that maintaining them won't be such a shock to our systems. I'm glad he and I are doing this together now; I believe it will have a number of benefits for our lifestyle when we're married.
Today's accomplishment: lost a total of 2 pounds!
Fine, so two pounds may not be enough to help me drop a size (that'd be ten pounds), but it is enough to help turn my mind toward the attainable goals I've set for myself. If I'm going to be completely honest with my friends (who are the most likely readers of this blog), then I'll expose my goals in embarrassing detail.
Current stats: 5'3", 213 pounds (down from 215), bust size 40H (yes, H), pant size 18.
Goals:
September 13, 2008: My sister (maid-of-honor) is hosting my first bridal shower (for friends). I want to be at least a size 14 by then. Since dropping a pant size requires roughly a drop of 10 pounds, that would be about 20 pounds by September...which would put me below 200 pounds, thank God.
December 25, 2008: Robert proposed on Christmas morning 2007. I want to be around a size 12 or even a 10 by this Christmas, which would be an additional 10-20 pounds since September.
April 7, 2009: My aunt is hosting my second bridal shower (for family). By this date, I'd like to either be a definite size 10 or...if *gasp*...possible...a size 8. By the way, I'm not interested in becoming a stick figure. I would look irresistible as a size 8. By April, that would be a total of roughly 50 pounds.
May 23, 2009: The wedding date! I think a size 8 wedding dress would be perfect for me. I truly don't know if I'd want to go any smaller than that...it's been a while since I've been in the single digits anyway. Maybe a size 6? Wow...that number kind of intimidates me....
Things I want to keep: my breasts (though maybe take them down to a DD or D), my hips, a smaller version of my butt. When I was a senior in high school, about eight years ago, I weighed around 130 pounds. At the time, I thought I was a cow; however, gaining 100 pounds over the past eight years gave me a little perspective. I look at those pictures from that year, and I realize just how adorable I was. How boys managed to keep their hands off me, I'll never know. (Oh yeah, it could have something to do with the fact that I was a mondo-geek, hahaha.)
I want to be beautiful for my wedding. But I think I would feel beautiful at any weight...I feel beautiful just from the way Robert looks at me. More importantly than feeling beautiful, though, is that I want to be healthy for my marriage. I want to have healthy habits in place by the time we're married so that maintaining them won't be such a shock to our systems. I'm glad he and I are doing this together now; I believe it will have a number of benefits for our lifestyle when we're married.
Today's accomplishment: lost a total of 2 pounds!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Well, since I'm up
One of the most frustrating things about my sleep habits is that they are pretty erratic. Since I started graduate school, I've had difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep--I started graduate school in 2004. My sleep habits were further disturbed when last year my L5/S1 disc herniated, resulting in a pinched sciatic nerve and increasing leg/foot pain. After the discectomy in May of this year, I was able to fall asleep much easier with minimal help from a sleep aid (such as Unisom or Tylenol PM). I should rejoice, actually...most of the past several nights have been easy on me.
Last night was not easy on me. For whatever reason, I awoke from a dream that I didn't want to wake from. So, I stubbornly (because I was half-asleep) kept attempting to return to that dream, and every time the new dream started to take a different direction, I awoke and rolled over...in another attempt to capture the first dream. This foolishness dragged on for the entire night. I finally woke up around 7:40 this morning, which I fear might have been a mistake...maybe I'll try to go to bed a little earlier tonight so that I'm not tired tomorrow.
Well, anyway, since I'm up, I should get started on the day's "activities." I have got to do laundry; otherwise, I'll be teaching naked tomorrow afternoon. I have got to lesson plan; otherwise, I'll just be standing up there naked without anything clever to say. I have got to order the rest of my books for my exams; otherwise, I'll fail my exam (ah, catastrophizing). (On second thought, Robert has continually expressed interest in wanting to help lighten my load by getting the books ordered for me...I should give him the list with my ordering information today. *nod*) I have got to stop putzing around on the computer; otherwise, my brain will melt out my ears.
I'm still not sure if I'm feeling better or if I'm feeling potentially sick yet. My body is still concentrating on attempting to wake up and stay awake. I hate this feeling. Blech. Oh, yes, and I should shower...but I have to wash my towels first. Good lord, I really let the laundry slide these past two weeks.
I know for sure that one item is going to be crossed off my list: Robert's coming over this morning to print off some homework, and then we're going to read a play off my exam reading list. We're considering Marat/Sade for now. I love how erratically I'm reading for my exams, too--not chronologically, not any sort of "-logically," actually. I just go over to my table, grab one that sounds interesting that I haven't read before, and sit down to do it. I just need to do that more often and knock out these 300-odd books. Hm.
Last night was not easy on me. For whatever reason, I awoke from a dream that I didn't want to wake from. So, I stubbornly (because I was half-asleep) kept attempting to return to that dream, and every time the new dream started to take a different direction, I awoke and rolled over...in another attempt to capture the first dream. This foolishness dragged on for the entire night. I finally woke up around 7:40 this morning, which I fear might have been a mistake...maybe I'll try to go to bed a little earlier tonight so that I'm not tired tomorrow.
Well, anyway, since I'm up, I should get started on the day's "activities." I have got to do laundry; otherwise, I'll be teaching naked tomorrow afternoon. I have got to lesson plan; otherwise, I'll just be standing up there naked without anything clever to say. I have got to order the rest of my books for my exams; otherwise, I'll fail my exam (ah, catastrophizing). (On second thought, Robert has continually expressed interest in wanting to help lighten my load by getting the books ordered for me...I should give him the list with my ordering information today. *nod*) I have got to stop putzing around on the computer; otherwise, my brain will melt out my ears.
I'm still not sure if I'm feeling better or if I'm feeling potentially sick yet. My body is still concentrating on attempting to wake up and stay awake. I hate this feeling. Blech. Oh, yes, and I should shower...but I have to wash my towels first. Good lord, I really let the laundry slide these past two weeks.
I know for sure that one item is going to be crossed off my list: Robert's coming over this morning to print off some homework, and then we're going to read a play off my exam reading list. We're considering Marat/Sade for now. I love how erratically I'm reading for my exams, too--not chronologically, not any sort of "-logically," actually. I just go over to my table, grab one that sounds interesting that I haven't read before, and sit down to do it. I just need to do that more often and knock out these 300-odd books. Hm.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Physical training
This week, Robert and I went to the gym almost every day. We missed Thursday and Friday because of two reasons: 1. Robert was bone-tired after helping move our friends into their new house all day Thursday, and 2. we had to leave by a specific time on Friday afternoon to make it to ASF in time for the play. No time for the gym.
But I've been very proud of us. For two people whose lifestyles have become, admittedly, rather sedentary, getting to the gym three days out of a week is a very good start.
Unfortunately, I've been feeling a bit crummy yesterday and today. We're taking today off from the gym as well, in order to allow me time to rest and to help me avoid actual illness. Tomorrow is dependent upon how I feel. We'll be back to it on Monday, and I'm looking forward to it. I've already been noticing how my clothes have been fitting better, and how I've had strengthened energy.
Robert told me this morning something that really stuck with me: he enjoys going to the gym with me because it gives us some more time to see each other. See, this Fall semester is potentially going to be one of the hardest semesters on us. Robert has his internship at a school which happens to be in a different time zone (about a 45-minute drive east), which will require him to be awake around 4 a.m., so he can leave by 5 a.m. He'll be going to bed very early most days of the week, which means that our time together during the week will be limited. But at least, he said, we know we'll be able to see each other at least an hour a day at the gym. That strengthened and reassured me.
I may not get to my "ideal" size by the wedding, but (as I've said) our wedding date is not my final deadline. I don't have a final deadline. I just want to be able to buy a dress out of the plus-sized section, so my goal is to be at least a size 14 or 12 by next May. That's three or four more sizes. I can do it because Robert has confidence in our achieving our goals. I have confidence in us, too.
But I've been very proud of us. For two people whose lifestyles have become, admittedly, rather sedentary, getting to the gym three days out of a week is a very good start.
Unfortunately, I've been feeling a bit crummy yesterday and today. We're taking today off from the gym as well, in order to allow me time to rest and to help me avoid actual illness. Tomorrow is dependent upon how I feel. We'll be back to it on Monday, and I'm looking forward to it. I've already been noticing how my clothes have been fitting better, and how I've had strengthened energy.
Robert told me this morning something that really stuck with me: he enjoys going to the gym with me because it gives us some more time to see each other. See, this Fall semester is potentially going to be one of the hardest semesters on us. Robert has his internship at a school which happens to be in a different time zone (about a 45-minute drive east), which will require him to be awake around 4 a.m., so he can leave by 5 a.m. He'll be going to bed very early most days of the week, which means that our time together during the week will be limited. But at least, he said, we know we'll be able to see each other at least an hour a day at the gym. That strengthened and reassured me.
I may not get to my "ideal" size by the wedding, but (as I've said) our wedding date is not my final deadline. I don't have a final deadline. I just want to be able to buy a dress out of the plus-sized section, so my goal is to be at least a size 14 or 12 by next May. That's three or four more sizes. I can do it because Robert has confidence in our achieving our goals. I have confidence in us, too.
A place for us
Yesterday evening, Robert and I went to see West Side Story at the Alabama Shakespeare Festival (ASF) with a couple of friends and their son. We had such an amazing time--all five of us! Even the kid, hehe. I was so impressed with how the kid behaved; he's ten years old, and West Side has the potential of being an expressly boring play for children. But because his mothers have been very interested in the growth of his mind (encouraging reading when bored, rather than vegging in front of the computer), he was capable of sitting still, engaging with the musical, laughing at the funny parts, clapping after the songs, and showing keen interest in the live orchestra. Although not my son, I was so proud of him. Robert and I talked about his good behavior all evening after we left their home. The next musical production coming to the ASF is Les Miserables. The first time (and last, as of yet) I saw Les Mis was with my roommate at the Fox Theatre in Atlanta. It was a brilliant production. I'm interested and excited to see how ASF handles it.
We had stellar seats last night, as well. We were on the ends of Rows B and C (Robert and I in the front, our friends and their son just behind us), just to the left of the orchestra pit. Basically, I could tell that the actor who played Riff had golden-brown eyes rather than just brown eyes. It was a beautiful production, and I'm so happy I've had the chance to see it live now. I was still buzzing from it this afternoon that Robert took me to a bookstore to buy the soundtrack. You know...so I can practice singing along, hehehe. Well, I can't help it that they have such beautiful songs that I want to sing along to!
Well, I haven't had much to say since my first post about my "bridal training," so perhaps now is a good opportunity.
What do I mean when I say "training?" Am I insulting myself or Robert when I use this term?
When I say "training," I mean the process by which I am preparing myself to be a good wife for Robert. I hope such a term doesn't contain derogatory or offensive undertones...I certainly don't see it myself. When I say that I want to be a good wife for Robert, I don't mean the kind of stereotyped "barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen," "get me a beer now, woman" kind of wife. Robert's not that kind of fiancé and certainly won't morph into that type of husband. Rather, I want to be the kind of wife who Robert deserves. I want my thoughts to be of him first, us second, and me third. I believe I can put myself last in this hierarchy because I know he'll be thinking of me first. (Oh, and to clarify, the gap between the three spots is negligible. I'm not suggesting that I'll never think of my own needs just because I'll think of them third.)
An example:
Perhaps, in the future, we have a major financial decision to make. I want to spend the money to purchase the item, but Robert would rather wait for the price to go down or for a better sale. My thought process should not be "well, I want it now, so I'm going to manipulate him into agreeing with me." Rather, it should be "what are Robert's needs for/concerns with this purchase? Is this good for our household right now, or can we wait? What are my needs for/concerns with this purchase?" At this stage in our relationship, we still have two separate checking accounts, two separate savings accounts. We don't check with each other before spending money, but (simultaneously) if we make a large purchase that can affect the future, we keep the other in the loop. I needed a new laptop this past March, but I obviously won't have it paid off before we're married. So, I included Robert in on the decision-making process because it will be OUR money together that will be making the final payments on the machine.
There are times when I feel I am accomplished in my ability to consider Robert's needs before mine. At those times, I feel confident that we will have a happy, healthy marriage and that I will make a good wife for him. There are other times when my own selfish desires overcloud my need to consider Robert's needs. During those times, I feel horrible, inconsiderate and that I still have work to do before I can call myself by my most desired title: his wife.
Another factor in which I need training is my ability to choose to be loved. I think this one is harder than choosing to love Robert. On a normal day, I find myself easily making the choice to be loved by him--he pays me a compliment, and I don't refute him. He does something to demonstrate his love for me, and I don't reject it. Instead I show my appreciation either by a heartfelt thanks or an equal demonstration of love for him (not simply physical, either).
There are some days, however, when I struggle to choose to be loved. Those are the days when I am feeling particularly hard on myself. Maybe something didn't go quite the way I wanted while I was teaching, and I'm criticizing my ability in the classroom. Maybe I didn't do as well at the gym as I know I could have done, and I'm analyzing every flaw in my body. Those are the days when Robert pays me a compliment and I struggle to accept it. But I try to remember one crucial detail on those days (and sometimes it's hard to emerge out from under my self-pity rock long enough to consider this detail)--when Robert chooses to love me and wants to demonstrate that love by compliments or other forms of affection, it must be such a blow to have that love declaimed. How would I feel if I told Robert that I was so proud of his accomplishments, and he responded with, "no, it's not a big deal"? I imagine I would be insulted on a level...how can he speak so lowly of something I regard with such high esteem? It's that detail that I try to have running through my mind before I refuse his love.
Sometimes I allow my own musing to get the best of my writing. I could write for ages about how I love Robert and what I've learned from him. When I entered graduate school, I was so overwhelmed by the academic load that I found myself not wanting to write about anything other than Shakespeare. I am so grateful to Robert for imbuing my life both with an additional, more fulfilling purpose, as well as for reinvigorating my drive to write about something besides scholarship.
We had stellar seats last night, as well. We were on the ends of Rows B and C (Robert and I in the front, our friends and their son just behind us), just to the left of the orchestra pit. Basically, I could tell that the actor who played Riff had golden-brown eyes rather than just brown eyes. It was a beautiful production, and I'm so happy I've had the chance to see it live now. I was still buzzing from it this afternoon that Robert took me to a bookstore to buy the soundtrack. You know...so I can practice singing along, hehehe. Well, I can't help it that they have such beautiful songs that I want to sing along to!
Well, I haven't had much to say since my first post about my "bridal training," so perhaps now is a good opportunity.
What do I mean when I say "training?" Am I insulting myself or Robert when I use this term?
When I say "training," I mean the process by which I am preparing myself to be a good wife for Robert. I hope such a term doesn't contain derogatory or offensive undertones...I certainly don't see it myself. When I say that I want to be a good wife for Robert, I don't mean the kind of stereotyped "barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen," "get me a beer now, woman" kind of wife. Robert's not that kind of fiancé and certainly won't morph into that type of husband. Rather, I want to be the kind of wife who Robert deserves. I want my thoughts to be of him first, us second, and me third. I believe I can put myself last in this hierarchy because I know he'll be thinking of me first. (Oh, and to clarify, the gap between the three spots is negligible. I'm not suggesting that I'll never think of my own needs just because I'll think of them third.)
An example:
Perhaps, in the future, we have a major financial decision to make. I want to spend the money to purchase the item, but Robert would rather wait for the price to go down or for a better sale. My thought process should not be "well, I want it now, so I'm going to manipulate him into agreeing with me." Rather, it should be "what are Robert's needs for/concerns with this purchase? Is this good for our household right now, or can we wait? What are my needs for/concerns with this purchase?" At this stage in our relationship, we still have two separate checking accounts, two separate savings accounts. We don't check with each other before spending money, but (simultaneously) if we make a large purchase that can affect the future, we keep the other in the loop. I needed a new laptop this past March, but I obviously won't have it paid off before we're married. So, I included Robert in on the decision-making process because it will be OUR money together that will be making the final payments on the machine.
There are times when I feel I am accomplished in my ability to consider Robert's needs before mine. At those times, I feel confident that we will have a happy, healthy marriage and that I will make a good wife for him. There are other times when my own selfish desires overcloud my need to consider Robert's needs. During those times, I feel horrible, inconsiderate and that I still have work to do before I can call myself by my most desired title: his wife.
Another factor in which I need training is my ability to choose to be loved. I think this one is harder than choosing to love Robert. On a normal day, I find myself easily making the choice to be loved by him--he pays me a compliment, and I don't refute him. He does something to demonstrate his love for me, and I don't reject it. Instead I show my appreciation either by a heartfelt thanks or an equal demonstration of love for him (not simply physical, either).
There are some days, however, when I struggle to choose to be loved. Those are the days when I am feeling particularly hard on myself. Maybe something didn't go quite the way I wanted while I was teaching, and I'm criticizing my ability in the classroom. Maybe I didn't do as well at the gym as I know I could have done, and I'm analyzing every flaw in my body. Those are the days when Robert pays me a compliment and I struggle to accept it. But I try to remember one crucial detail on those days (and sometimes it's hard to emerge out from under my self-pity rock long enough to consider this detail)--when Robert chooses to love me and wants to demonstrate that love by compliments or other forms of affection, it must be such a blow to have that love declaimed. How would I feel if I told Robert that I was so proud of his accomplishments, and he responded with, "no, it's not a big deal"? I imagine I would be insulted on a level...how can he speak so lowly of something I regard with such high esteem? It's that detail that I try to have running through my mind before I refuse his love.
Sometimes I allow my own musing to get the best of my writing. I could write for ages about how I love Robert and what I've learned from him. When I entered graduate school, I was so overwhelmed by the academic load that I found myself not wanting to write about anything other than Shakespeare. I am so grateful to Robert for imbuing my life both with an additional, more fulfilling purpose, as well as for reinvigorating my drive to write about something besides scholarship.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Love is a choice
Robert and I were asked to attend an Engaged Encounter weekend as part of the criteria to be married in the Catholic Church. Why the Catholic Church? Because your resident bride-in-training is a Roman Catholic, and she desires to receive one of her final sacraments (that of matrimony). Robert, although not Catholic, was not difficult to persuade. He understands the importance of my religion and its place in our day. He's supportive and always has been.
Before I go on with the true thesis statement of my blog, I'll briefly explain what Engaged Encounter is to those who may not be familiar with it. This is a pre-marriage counseling program that helps give engaged couples a concentrated, focused, directed opportunity to explore topics that may have been avoided. There were over 25 couples at our weekend, and in addition to those couples, there were three married couples and a priest. The three married couples were at different places: the youngest couple was married last October, the middle couple was married for 30 years, and the oldest couple was married for 40 years. The youngest couple did not lead any meetings, but those were instead handled by the older couples. Obviously, being married and committed to a single person for a number of decades imbues one with a level of ethos. They met with us several hours a day (one hour per meeting topic), and between meetings, the couples were asked to write journal responses to their fiancé(e) about the topic. The couples then met privately with each other and discussed their responses.
One of the topics, and this is my thesis statement, is that love is a choice.
Love is a choice.
Love is a CHOICE.
Love does not happen to you. Love does not smack you across the face and just come over you one day. All the songs say so, but they're wrong. It isn't as easy as "wham! bam!" like Nat King Cole would have us believe.
Lust, immediate sexual attraction, infatuation...those are easy as "wham! bam!"...but LOVE. Love is a choice.
Now, to be clear, both parties are responsible for making the choice to love every single day. The minute one person chooses not to love or be loving is the minute that trust is violated. It is not enough for one person to choose to love while the other has eschewed that choice for another one.
There have been times, and really only a couple because Robert and I have only been together for a year and a half, when I have had to sit down and make a very VERY conscious choice to love him anyway. It goes like this: rather than ever saying "I love you, but..." the phrase should be instead "...., but I love you." See the difference? The former phrase negates itself with the use of "but." The latter phrase makes the choice. I am choosing to love you despite any potential obstacle. I choose to love you above anything else. Above EVERYTHING else. I love you instead.
I'll repeat one thing: both parties are responsible for making the choice to love every single day. The relationship requires reevaluation when one party feels incapable of making that choice. One person cannot save a relationship. It's too much. You can't love enough for two people. It's just impossible and unfair.
At the end of the day, both partners in the relationship have to ask themselves two questions: 1. am I making the choice to love my partner every day? 2. do I feel my partner is making the choice to love me every day?
Before I go on with the true thesis statement of my blog, I'll briefly explain what Engaged Encounter is to those who may not be familiar with it. This is a pre-marriage counseling program that helps give engaged couples a concentrated, focused, directed opportunity to explore topics that may have been avoided. There were over 25 couples at our weekend, and in addition to those couples, there were three married couples and a priest. The three married couples were at different places: the youngest couple was married last October, the middle couple was married for 30 years, and the oldest couple was married for 40 years. The youngest couple did not lead any meetings, but those were instead handled by the older couples. Obviously, being married and committed to a single person for a number of decades imbues one with a level of ethos. They met with us several hours a day (one hour per meeting topic), and between meetings, the couples were asked to write journal responses to their fiancé(e) about the topic. The couples then met privately with each other and discussed their responses.
One of the topics, and this is my thesis statement, is that love is a choice.
Love is a choice.
Love is a CHOICE.
Love does not happen to you. Love does not smack you across the face and just come over you one day. All the songs say so, but they're wrong. It isn't as easy as "wham! bam!" like Nat King Cole would have us believe.
Lust, immediate sexual attraction, infatuation...those are easy as "wham! bam!"...but LOVE. Love is a choice.
Now, to be clear, both parties are responsible for making the choice to love every single day. The minute one person chooses not to love or be loving is the minute that trust is violated. It is not enough for one person to choose to love while the other has eschewed that choice for another one.
There have been times, and really only a couple because Robert and I have only been together for a year and a half, when I have had to sit down and make a very VERY conscious choice to love him anyway. It goes like this: rather than ever saying "I love you, but..." the phrase should be instead "...., but I love you." See the difference? The former phrase negates itself with the use of "but." The latter phrase makes the choice. I am choosing to love you despite any potential obstacle. I choose to love you above anything else. Above EVERYTHING else. I love you instead.
I'll repeat one thing: both parties are responsible for making the choice to love every single day. The relationship requires reevaluation when one party feels incapable of making that choice. One person cannot save a relationship. It's too much. You can't love enough for two people. It's just impossible and unfair.
At the end of the day, both partners in the relationship have to ask themselves two questions: 1. am I making the choice to love my partner every day? 2. do I feel my partner is making the choice to love me every day?
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Engagement and seriousness
Today was our engagement party! It was hosted by my parents who truly outdid themselves. We had nearly 50 guests, just enough seating, and an abundance of food. I think everyone enjoyed themselves quite a lot--there was mingling, playing of the Wii, and general good cheer. Geez, I started to sound like a bad Christmas card there....
The best part of the engagement party, for me, was getting to see my friends whom I haven't seen in varying lengths of time. A few I haven't seen in several months. A couple others, years. We were all so happy to be reunited with one another and hope to make more visits in the future (you know, before the wedding).
I was up around 7 a.m. and hit the ground running this morning. My mom had lists of tasks for everyone in the family, and although my list wasn't particularly long, my mom's list for herself went for miles. So, my sister and I helped her as much as we could in tackling her tasks. We're wiped out--we were pretty much running up and down two flights of stairs for roughly five hours. I recently had back surgery, and although my surgeon has given me the green light for resuming normal activity, my muscles are still a bit underworked. My back's a bit sore tonight, but not enough to really worry or complain. Just a little tender. I'll sleep it off and take an Aleve in the morning if it's still bad.
After the party, Robert, my sister, her boyfriend, and I all went to see The Dark Knight tonight. It was intense! I left the theater in tears at the prospect that this was Heath Ledger's final complete performance (barring his other movie in production). I hadn't expected to have such a strong visceral reaction to his performance, but it is difficult to watch without realizing that he would have had such a brilliant career ahead of him. I think part of me still hopes that he'll show up again...that his death was a horrible hoax. But, alas, 'tis none. The movie itself was very good. Brilliant script (which I can't say for a lot of movies), perfect pacing (for a 150 minute movie, it sure didn't feel long), and a complicated plot (perfect for re-watching). My only complaint is for Christian Bale's Batman. I didn't see Batman Begins, so maybe that's my own fault, but I hadn't expected such a deep, gravelly-voiced Batman. I sort of found it difficult to believe. Other than that, though, the performances were stellar. I truly loved this movie!
Oh, and I did find a hairstyle I'd like to try for the wedding. It's the "sloppy" chignon that Maggie Gyllenhaal wears during the party toward the early middle of the movie. I'm going to try to find a few good images of it, print them out, and take them to my hairstylist to let her try it out. I just think it's a light, fun, spring-y hairstyle.
It's almost 3 a.m. EDT, and I'm pretty wiped out. I should end this here and go to bed.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
T-minus 310 days and counting
Hi. I've always been a bit horrible at the "first post" thing on blogs, but I suppose a quick rundown would be these high points:
1. I'm a third-year PhD student in early English drama to 1642.
2. My fiancé, Robert, and I are getting married on May 23, 2009.
3. I need to lose at least 60 pounds before the wedding. I am not buying a plus-sized wedding gown.
4. Although looking forward to the wedding, I'm often stressed when thinking about.
5. I'm more excited about being a wife than I am about being a bride. I find this an important distinction.
The purpose of this blog, as far as I see it, will be to help me keep track of the things I need to do as well as my progress in completing them. My goals are simple: increase my activity level while decreasing my stress level. I believe that by doing the one, the other will be accomplished. After a long conversation with Robert last night, I determined that because I have difficulty finding time to enjoy the wedding planning process (flipping through magazines, for instance), I am going to combine that time with my work-out time. We're also going to go grocery shopping together in the not-to-distant future to help keep the one accountable to the other.
Well, in the end I find myself easily distracted and persuaded to procrastination, particularly in light of my impending preliminary examinations in January. I have nearly 300 works to read before January, over all of which I'll be examined. My areas are general drama, Shakespeare, and early British drama to 1642 (exclusive of Shakespeare). Robert is helping me complete the play-reading portion because I find it more enjoyable to read dramas aloud. Aside from the studying I'll have to do, I'm simultaneously teaching World Lit. I in two sections this coming Fall semester.
There is so much to do...and almost no time to do it in. How is it I just want to stare at the television and veg out?
1. I'm a third-year PhD student in early English drama to 1642.
2. My fiancé, Robert, and I are getting married on May 23, 2009.
3. I need to lose at least 60 pounds before the wedding. I am not buying a plus-sized wedding gown.
4. Although looking forward to the wedding, I'm often stressed when thinking about.
5. I'm more excited about being a wife than I am about being a bride. I find this an important distinction.
The purpose of this blog, as far as I see it, will be to help me keep track of the things I need to do as well as my progress in completing them. My goals are simple: increase my activity level while decreasing my stress level. I believe that by doing the one, the other will be accomplished. After a long conversation with Robert last night, I determined that because I have difficulty finding time to enjoy the wedding planning process (flipping through magazines, for instance), I am going to combine that time with my work-out time. We're also going to go grocery shopping together in the not-to-distant future to help keep the one accountable to the other.
Well, in the end I find myself easily distracted and persuaded to procrastination, particularly in light of my impending preliminary examinations in January. I have nearly 300 works to read before January, over all of which I'll be examined. My areas are general drama, Shakespeare, and early British drama to 1642 (exclusive of Shakespeare). Robert is helping me complete the play-reading portion because I find it more enjoyable to read dramas aloud. Aside from the studying I'll have to do, I'm simultaneously teaching World Lit. I in two sections this coming Fall semester.
There is so much to do...and almost no time to do it in. How is it I just want to stare at the television and veg out?
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