Miniscule things that don't matter...mattering

A year ago, something like this wouldn't have hit my radar. A year from now, something like this won't matter. Which means that it doesn't matter. It didn't matter a year ago, won't matter a year from now, and doesn't matter today.

But I'm finding that it's mattering. And that's unbelievably frustrating.

Remember that entry I wrote a little while ago outlining my to-do list? And remember how that whole to-do list required addresses before I could make a move on it? Well, here's my new bride-in-training lesson: there are consequences to every (non-) action.

This blog is about the save-the-date magnets I wanted. See? Something stupid that doesn't matter.

Yesterday, I spent from 12 noon to 2:45 on the phone with my mom (although, admittedly, our conversation was broken into thirds because I called Robert twice). I was so exhausted by the end of the conversation that I could hardly think straight. Here's the problem. I asked my family, Robert, and his family to send me their final lists with addresses by the second week of November. I asked a month ago. Literally, a month ago. I wanted the addresses two weeks ago because I had wanted to order the save-the-dates by November 10th. My mom only just yesterday e-mailed me her addresses. Robert's finalizing his. His parents are finalizing theirs. I should have them by Wednesday this week.

But it's too late for the save-the-dates now.

We were supposed to send the save-the-dates out by December, which we could have done if I had received the addresses when I asked for them. Because we're getting married over Memorial Day weekend, and because everyone on my family's list is out-of-town and will need a hotel room, we have to mail out the invitations by the end of January so they'll be delivered by February. If we were to do the save-the-dates anyway, they would be delivered about a week ahead of the invitations. Why do that? What's the point?

I am upset. I'm trying to pinpoint why I'm still upset because I've heard and accepted apologies from both sides of the family for the past three weeks now. Robert was extremely upset last night (because I was so angry), so I ruined our evening together. I slept on it. I should be over it now. But I'm not. I'm still feeling angry every time I consider what happened.

The only thought that keeps running circles in my mind is this: I realize getting the addresses to me was not Number One on their priority list (although it was on mine). But to be so apologetic and to feel so sorry right now is too late--I wish they had had this much concern for the addresses when it still mattered.

That's a horrible and hurtful thought. But it's the only one I keep "hearing" in my mind.

And what do I want now? They've already apologized. I've accepted their apologies. What more could I possibly want from them that would assuage this feeling?

I'm disappointed because something I so looked forward to is no longer an option.

But it's frivolous.

This is stupid...but it's still affecting me.

I don't know why I'm not letting it go yet.

I told my mom and Robert yesterday that come December 1st, I am passing the buck. I am relinquishing all bridal duties and handing them over to other people to care about and worry about and fret about. I can't do it. I have exams in February (not sure the date yet), and I haven't even looked at one of my lists yet. From December 1st on to February, I am a student first. Other people can tell me what they need from me and lose it when I don't give it to them on time. *sigh* No, I wouldn't do that...but the thought has crossed my mind. I'm not quite that spiteful, though.

When I expressed this to my mom, she became immediately sympathetic and said, "honey, you know we're behind you and are very supportive of you." I know. I wanted to say, "Yes, but emotional support doesn't give me addresses in enough time to send out save-the-dates." I don't want to throw away the gift of emotional support...but at the same time, I need more than emotional support right now. I need physical support. I'm done with being commended for all the hard work I've done this year and how impressive it is that I've pushed through despite a number of obstacles. I'm done pushing through. I'm out of energy. I'm just going to get by now.

And hopefully the things that were in the top places on my priority list will find themselves in the top places on others' priority lists after December 1st.