The idiocy of students and the frustration of Ms. W

This afternoon, I walk into the computer lab to prepare today's lesson plan (ganked almost entirely from last semester's lesson plan on the same text), and I check my e-mail. This is what I get from the a report from the English Center regarding a student's visit this morning:

"[Student] needed help on writing a thesis statement. I was not able to help him write his own because he did not know what the tales were about or which ones he was going to compare. We discussed what a thesis statement was, and we went over a very basic example of how to draft a thesis statement."

There are so many things wrong with this report that led me to nearly diminish into a blind rage.

1. Because my students were taught the proper way to write a thesis statement in their required composition classes, but because they also forgot everything they were taught, I had the lovely pleasure these past several weeks of reeducating them on proper thesis statement construction. I wrote "rules of thesis statements" up on the board (beginning with rule #1: you cannot write a good paper unless you have a good thesis statement), and walked them through the nitty gritty details of each rule to a pain-staking extent.

2. After explaining the rules of thesis statement construction to them, we then composed two thesis statements--one for both of the poets we read for that class day. We wrote them together; the prompt from me was, "If you were writing a paper on this poet, what sort of argument might you make?" We brainstormed key points of the poet's biography as well as key moments in the poetry. We made discriminate choices of which points were "facts" versus "opinions," recalling one of the rules that facts do not a thesis statement make. We then crafted the thesis statement together, all the while referring to the rules of thesis statements that were conveniently displayed on the board.

3. Today is Friday. Their paper is due a week from today. On Wednesday, I assigned to my students the following homework: write and turn in your thesis statement from your upcoming paper. Do not turn in the entire introductory paragraph or the entire paper. I only want the thesis statement. I did this for two reasons:

3.a. The first reason was to give them concentrated feedback on their thesis statements before it's too late. They'll also receive a grade (out of ten points) on their thesis statement, using the paper grading rubric, so they can see where their thesis statement falls at the moment. I plan to comment in great detail, which will require an enormous amount of time and effort on my part, but needs to be done. I am NOT reading a second set of horrible papers. I'm just not.

3.b. The second reason was to check up on them and make sure they weren't screwing around with their papers. The damn things are due the Friday before Thanksgiving break. This is a big game weekend. I'm trying to help these kids out by making sure they're staying on top of their work. Excuse me for going a bit beyond my job requirements.

Do you see where Ms. Wood would suddenly become irate with this student? Not only have we already discussed (AT LENGTH) the stories this student wants to write about (discussions he was present for), but we've already learned together exactly what a thesis statement is, what it does, and how to write one (again, another lesson he was present for). The reports from the English Center are anonymous, but I wish I could find out who consulted with my student. I just want to tell this person thanks for their attempt to help an apparent hopeless cause, and to also sort of defend myself by explaining that this student should already know how to write a thesis statement.

You know what this is? This is the student demonstrating laziness a few hours before the homework is due. This student, I would not be surprised, expected the consultant to do his homework for him.

Sorry, kiddo. That's not how the system works.

*a la Hulk* Ms. Wood SMAAASH!!!!