To read, or not to read

Lame joke, I know. Forgive me. I'm sleep deprived and trying not to acknowledge the precipice upon which I stand.

I just had a meeting with my professor who will be administering the Shakespeare exam...and the first thing she says is that the list is too long, and that she'd like to shorten it. I just stared at her, wide-eyed, and said, "I've already finished." She started apologizing because she had always wanted to shorten it, but I actually didn't follow-up on scheduling a meeting with her last semester. That was my fault. So we started laughing because what else is there to do but laugh at this point? She did give me a more narrow focus for when I study for the exams over the next couple of weeks, which is a relief.

I believe I have come up with a pretty good idea of how I need to study. My one examiner (for the general drama list, consisting of no fewer than 90 plays) has given me a pretty big clue for the direction his questions will take. I think the wisest thing for me to do now is rather than try to read every single word of every single play, I'm going to read until I get a good idea of the writer's style and his/her thematic approach and move on to the next. I can use SparkNotes or Twayne Notes for the plots. (For those not in university, the Twayne Note Series is sort of the academic version of SparkNotes. It gives a much more academic approach to explaining the texts than SparkNotes does.)

We've basically gotten to a point where the name of the game is not to run myself down. There's a lot of crud running rampant in the English department right now, and among my students, so I've been trying not to touch anything other people have touched...except for this keyboard and mouse, doorknobs, and the elevator buttons. That's a lot of surfaces touched by quite a staggering number of people, actually. But anyway, I'm trying to go to bed before midnight most nights and I'm trying to ensure that I'll get eight hours of sleep. So far, so good, but I have a feeling that when the exams come, I'll need to start relying on my Unisom more. I think that on Feb. 22nd, I'm going to be hit with the flu. It wouldn't surprise me in the least. And it's fine if I get the flu on Feb. 22nd. I just can't get the flu before Feb. 18th.

Anyway, that's the new reading plan for these two lists. I have a meeting with my third examiner (the one doing my major list, actually) on Monday afternoon. Here's hoping she doesn't tell me she wanted to chop down my list, too, lol.

Official exam schedule

I got an e-mail from our Graduate Studies Coordinator with the official exam schedule:

Wednesday, February 18: 7:45-10:45 a.m., Shakespeare
Thursday, February 19: 7:45-11:45 a.m., Early English drama to 1642
Friday, February 20: 7:45-10:45 a.m., General drama

I decided to do the minor exams in the order I did them because I've almost finished reading for Shakespeare, so the one I would need more time on (if it came down to it) would be General drama.

We've come down on a decision for the Super Bowl party, and that is to go. I'm going to do everything I can to prepare myself to be able to go (as in reading like a powerhouse before the party starts). The reasoning was that I literally haven't done a single social thing since before Christmas break, and Robert and Adriane were very supportive in my doing this one social thing before my exams. Maybe I'll be able to get a little infusion from my support network that will bolster me before I take these exams.

Out, damn smell!!

I just attacked my apartment with a spray bottle of Febreze, which reminded me very much of Lady Macbeth's issue with washing her hands. Well...she was hallucinating, after all. Or dreaming. Depending on the director.

Anyway....

I'm clearly in student mode because as I was finishing the play of the morning (M. Butterfly by Hwang, which I'd read eight years ago and not since, but have always loved), I noticed just how utterly awful my apartment smells. Well, I don't think it's hit-you-in-the-face-when-you-walk-in-the-door yet...but there's this faint hint of...bad...every time I take a deep breath. I also noticed that my ratio of clean clothes to dirty clothes had hit an all-time low; in fact, I am still in my PJs for the simple fact that I don't have any clean pants to wear. I decided to start laundry, and I think it'll probably take six loads or so to finish. I think I got the smell out (could have been the clothes), although I do notice a faint hint of rot coming from the kitchen. My garbage disposal is broken (again), and I haven't had the energy to call the apartment manager to come and fix it (again). It's a monthly occurrence. You can understand why I'm reluctant to call (again) after I've constantly requested an entirely new appliance. But the truth of the matter is there's food down there, and with the weather starting to warm back up, there will soon be bugs. Gross but true. Maybe I'll call tomorrow.

Why has everything in my apartment just turned so violently to shit? Well, mostly because of my exams. They are scheduled for Feb. 18-20th (written) and March 5th (oral). My forthcoming calendar of events:

January:
No longer counts for anything. I am reading every single day, regardless of social events or activities planned.

February:
1: Super Bowl party
5: Guest lecture on Shakespeare for a colleague
18: Written exam in general drama or Shakespeare (3 hours)
19: Written exam in English early modern drama (4 hours)
20: Written exam in general drama or Shakespeare (3 hours)/Students' papers due
21: Adriane's birthday party (a month late)
23: Students' midterm exam
27: Students' grades for first paper and midterm exam due
28: Tool and Gadget bridal shower for Robert's friends and his side of the family

March:
5: Oral exam (roughly 2 hours...my fate will literally be decided at this meeting)
12-15: Conference on College Composition and Communication (CCCC, lovingly called 4 C's where I'll present a paper on ekphrasis in tattoos on the 13th)
14-22: Spring "Break"--or, as I call it, dissertation prospectus writing time
21: Amy's bridal shower
28: I think there's something here, but I can't remember it right now....

April:
4: My family bridal shower hosted by my Aunt Beth
17: Bridal luncheon/nails/rehearsal/rehearsal dinner for Amy's wedding
18: Amy's wedding
30: Robert's roommates move out

May:
1: We start renovations on the duplex before I move in (this includes recarpeting, repainting, replacing some doors/fixtures, and CLEANING)
6: Students' final exam
8: Students' grades are due
16: My bachelorette party
22: Bridal luncheon/nails/rehearsal/rehearsal dinner for our wedding
23: Our wedding!!!
24: Leave for honeymoon-->destination: LONDON!

June:
3: return from London, arrive in the evening...probably exhausted
6: Robert's birthday...not sure how we'll celebrate this year. Probably a store-bought cake, lol.
7: Continue the process of moving me in and unpacking all my stuff.

So, that's what I've got on my plate. I'm constantly overwhelmed, overtired, overstressed, and just generally not feeling well. I've recently been having trouble with stomach acid, so I've started a Pepcid A/C regimen (approved by the family doc) just to get me through so that I can actually put some food in my body. Sleep is almost always a moot point, although I was able to sleep very well the other night. I miss my friends so much. At this point, I only ever see a handful of my friends (maybe two or three) for a few minutes out of the day as we busily rush to teach. I see Adriane all the time, but it's not exactly quality time because we're both reading for our individual exams (she takes hers in April).

Robert's got this huge TV that usually all the guys gather around for the Super Bowl. I've begged him to let us go to my friend's apartment to watch the game, despite the fact that her television is smaller and she doesn't have TiVo for convenient at-home instant replays. He might leave at half-time, which is upsetting to me because I know that by asking him to do this at my friend's place, he's losing time with his friends. But I miss my friends SO MUCH. I can't stand it.

I don't even know if this will be an issue. The Super Bowl is this Sunday, and I don't think it's looking good for me. I have 80-odd plays left to read before the exams (I want to have them finished by the first week of Feb. so I can spend the second week studying my notes). This will probably go down as yet another social event with my friends that I'll have to miss.

If you are considering getting your PhD, let me give you a very fair warning. There are elements that are intellectually exciting and challenging. It can be loads of fun, particularly if you have a supportive committee backing you up. There are a few downsides, and those are generally in the final years of the PhD. These downsides are the GDEs/prelims/quals/whatever your department calls them and the dissertation. The GDEs/prelims/quals/whatever are the General Doctoral Exams/preliminary exams/qualifying exams for your dissertation. You have to pass these before you can go on to your diss, so they are extremely important. Everything hinges on them. While studying for these exams, the time is lonely, isolating, and stressful. It is a difficult time in your life. Although I've not gotten on the other side, the glorious side of ABD ("all but dissertation"), I have been told by others that once past the exams, life is sweeter.

But I am left wondering about Oscar Wilde and his ability to read two pages at once.

Celebrating a pseudo-anniversary

Two years ago today (or on this holiday, rather) Robert and I started seeing each other. We don't celebrate this as our dating anniversary because this was not when we had begun dating each other exclusively. That was Feb. 4, 2007...Super Bowl Sunday. This day was simply when we were just starting to feel each other out. It was the Saturday before MLK day in 2007 that Robert came to my apartment to read The Tempest for our Shakespeare class. The next day, he and I e-mailed back and forth to follow-up a lengthy conversation we were having about Clone High and Rats Saw God. We decided to meet up at my favorite local coffee shop (Toomer's) because he wanted to let me borrow the DVDs of Clone High and the book Rats Saw God. We agreed (via e-mail) to meet up at 1 p.m. at Toomer's on MLK day. Here's what happened.

12:00 p.m.: I made my way to Toomer's with a textbook in hand. I had a plan to appear to have been sitting there studying all morning, all nonchalant, not like I was anxiously anticipating seeing him at all. The best laid plans....

12:10 p.m.: Just as I was about to turn into the Toomer's parking lot, my check engine light came on. I was only just down the street from my mechanic and a little under an hour early, so I thought, "I'll pop in; I'm sure it's nothing." Well, it wasn't nothing. It was some sort of an expensive repair that required some sort of bolt or other. I ended up leaving my car there for a couple of days waiting for the bolt to come in.

1:30 p.m.: When it became obvious that my car was going to impede my ability to make it to Toomer's on time, I called my sister, who also lived very nearby and asked her to go into my e-mail and find Robert's cell phone number for me. He had e-mailed it to me the night before, just in case plans changed. I called him, my heart drumming in my throat, while I tried to sound nonchalant, and explained what was going on. Of course, Robert had the same idea I had had, which was to get there early...so he'd been waiting a while. He decided to leave Toomer's (thinking he'd been stood up, I guess), but we rescheduled for later that afternoon.

3:00 p.m.: My sister took me to Toomer's, so she was there with me when I met up with Robert again. She knew I was nervous, but I was more excited than anything. He and I sat there for hours just talking about everything.

That's when I knew.

For two years today, I have felt the most comfortable I've ever felt. I have felt the most calm, the most complete, the most myself I've ever felt in my entire life. These two years have simultaneously stretched for all of eternity and yet have also felt as short as a gasp. I know my soul has known Robert's soul forever. But we've been together for hardly any time at all.

This is how I know.

A short one before buckling down

I have so much work to do today, but I just wanted to briefly recap our meeting with the priest on Saturday.

I have been e-mailing Fr. Bill back and forth the past few days, and in one of my final e-mails, I asked him if he needed us to bring anything. (Well, in addition to the certificate of completion from the Engaged Encounter weekend, which I already knew we'd need.) He told me to bring a book he gave us when we first met...which was last January! So, panicked, I started searching my apartment high and low for this book. My sister has helped me by organizing my wedding binder (which is HUGE and seems to be growing every day), and I noticed a book in one of the page covers, but I thought it was a book we received at Engaged Encounter. I called Robert, asked him if he remembered us receiving a book; he did, but he thought it was a little white book. I start searching my apartment for a little white book. Finally, Robert comes over to help me search, and we still come up empty-handed. This is all Friday night.

Saturday morning, the morning of the meeting, I grabbed whatever I could find that had to do with a Catholic wedding. I grabbed the Church information packet, the itinerary that we're supposed to fill out, a book my mom bought me called "Your Catholic Wedding," and the little book from the back of my binder. When we got into our meeting with the priest, I laid everything out in front of me, and he said, "Oh good, I see you brought your book with you!" All that panic and stress over nothing. Turns out that book was the one he had given us a year ago...whew.

The meeting itself was wonderful. Even though we weren't necessarily in need of heavy counseling, I still left feeling counseled and calmer. Sign of a good priest, I think. Robert pointed out that priests are trained to be good counselors, as well, so it's a sign of a good counselor, too.

We took our FOCCUS test, which stands for "Facilitating Open Couple Communication Understanding Study." Most Catholic parishes require the completion of this test as one of the steps toward marriage preparation. Before I explain what the test is, I'll divulge a little of my own reluctance. I like to watch "Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?" And one of the couples recently was a Catholic couple, and they had to take a FOCCUS test. They were much younger than Robert and I (probably by a good five or eight years), and they were both worried that the test was a compatibility test. They were scared that if they didn't score high enough, that they would be refused their wedding. The show, of course, did nothing to explain what the test was or to remove those suspicions.

The FOCCUS test, as it turns out, is simply a way to see where the couple needs to have more conversations. I asked Fr. Bill before he took us to our separate rooms, "Why exactly are we taking this test? What does it do?" And he responded, "This is NOT a compatibility test. There are no right or wrong answers, and it alone is not going to determine whether or not you two should be married. All it shows us is where you two have reached agreement and where you might still need to talk." It's a standard Likert scale with Agree, Disagree, and Unsure as the only options. Areas that are marked "Unsure" are probably areas that require further discussion.

Because Robert and I are an interfaith couple, we had an additional 9 questions to answer in regards to our religious differences. I felt pretty confident in that area, so most of my answers were either "agree" or "disagree." The only area I didn't feel entirely confident in was our money management plan. All we've really come to agree on is that it'll work out. But I feel like I need a more structured plan than that, and I'm sure it'll be something we talk about the next time we meet with the priest.

Overall, we really do love our priest, and I'm so excited he's going to marry us. What thrills me even more is his willingness to marry us in a traditional Catholic Mass ceremony, complete with the Eucharist, even though Robert and over half the guest list won't be taking Eucharist. It's important to me that I receive the sacrament of Eucharist when I enter into the sacrament of Marriage. Robert understands and appreciates that, so it hasn't been an issue. It's never guaranteed that a particular archdiocese will agree to allow a Mass ceremony for an interfaith couple, but we're very happy that our archdiocese is in agreement with it.

I can feel this shift in my heart occurring...this shift from being the girlfriend/fiancée to being the wife. And it gives me such a calming sense of wholeness. 130 days to go! :)

So close I can taste it!

Yesterday was a potentially stressful day, but after a successful meeting with my dissertation director first thing in the morning, I was able to have a stress-free, relaxing day.

The meeting in short:
1. We're going to schedule my written exams for February 18-20 and my oral exam for March 5th, barring any scheduling conflicts from my two other committee advisors.

2. I'll plan to attend the Modern Language Association conference in December. MLA, aside from providing a new citation style guide every four years, conducts annual meetings during which job search committees hold interviews (in hotel rooms) with potential candidates. I will have at least half of my dissertation completed by this time so that my answers to the interview questions can be phrased in present tense rather than future. So, "I argue" rather than "I will argue." It makes a big difference. I probably will not come away with a job placement from this meeting (and will be lucky to attend any interviews at all, actually), but my director believes this will be a good learning experience and is extremely encouraging of my attendance.

3. Aside from a single change to a single sentence, my dissertation director is ready to approve my justification. The justification is a required document written by the doctoral candidate that explains why certain texts were selected for the exams and how these texts will inform the candidate's research interests. I sent my director a copy of my rough draft over the holiday, and she only wants one single change. Apparently I've improved as a writer, if she's happy with the rough draft! I'm excited. (Besides, the justification is little more than a formality. Nobody else besides my committee members will see it. The graduate school just has to see the approval form on file to move me forward in my plan of study.)

Our meeting lasted about an hour, which was nice because I hadn't had a chance to sit down and talk with her for a few months. I felt relieved and validated. The moment that boosted my self-esteem (and motivation, frankly) was when I started explaining my dissertation idea to her, and she perked up and said, "Oh yes. That's a very good point. I don't think I've read anything like that before." *grin* I knew I'd figure it out eventually. Basically what happened was as I was reading for my exams, I realized a lack in the scholarship in regards to this particular question. Not wanting to go too far into it and bore my readers, I'll just say that my dissertation will basically be about the transvestitism in drama as well as on stage. Nobody has quite struck the heart of the issue yet, which has been irritating, but I'm happy to be the one who responds. :)

What I didn't mention in the meeting is how these dates for my exam are going to help work with my personal life as well.

February:
16: Students' papers are due
18-20: Written exams
23: Students' mid-term exam
25: Students' grades (on both paper and exam) due
21 or 28: the stuffing the invitations/addressing the invitations weekend with Mom and Lauren (which I originally didn't think I could attend, but might be able to now!)

March:
5: Oral exam
7: Amy's bachelorette party
12: Fly out to SF for a conference and paper presentation
13: Paper presentation
16-20: Spring Break
21: Amy's bridal shower

This means that after Spring Break, I will return a happy, calm bride--who has the chance to be a bride!! :D I will be able to enjoy the last few months of the engagement so much more. I'll be able to pack and plan without the threat of exams hanging over my head. :)

This is Amanda as a happy student.

And this is Amanda as she signs off to go spend the evening in the library's graduate student study room! :)

A New Year, a new post

Happily, 2008 is in the books. It was a tough year to say the least, and I'm happy we've moved on to 2009. I awoke the morning of 2009 with butterflies in my tummy: it was finally the year that I'll be married. The very idea of the wedding still gets me giddy. Many of my friends are doing this, so I thought I should as well.

A Year in Review: 2008
January:
Robert proposed to me the morning of Christmas day. We spent January on what we called "The Great Ring Tour!" So many of his local friends and family invited us over to their houses to see the ring, and (for some) to meet me. We really enjoyed all the attention, even if it was at times taxing. We also met with our priest for the first time to discuss some details about the wedding. The spring semester started for us in much the same way as other semesters--stressful, but with a sense of relief to return to a scheduled day. It was my last semester of grad courses.

February:
Robert and I celebrated our one-year anniversary on February 4th by going to the same restaurant we went to on our first dinner date. Halfway through the month, I finally confessed to Robert and my mom that I had shooting, searing pain down my left leg for some time, which would usually end in numbing my toes. I tried to act as nothing was wrong for a few months, but by February, it was too much to ignore any longer. I went to the orthopedist and had an MRI that revealed my extremely herniated disk. We scheduled surgery for the end of the semester. I remained in pain for the next three months.

March:
Although I had spent four months preparing a paper for a conference presentation, I ended up bowing out of the conference at the last minute because I knew I wouldn't be able to manage on the three-hour airplane trip. Early this month, one of the undergraduate students here had been followed to her car from the library and then faced a night of terror that ended in her murder. This student was actually one of my officemate's English students; I went with her to the freshman's funeral. I went home for Spring Break instead of traveling to the conference. I started my painkiller regimen, so March ended up pretty fuzzy.

April:
Robert's grandfather fell unexpectedly ill at the end of March and spent about three weeks in the hospital. Robert went to the hospital to help his parents, aunts, and uncles on almost a daily basis. I went with him once. Friends of ours got married on the 12th at a beautiful mansion. A week later, Robert and I went to meet with our cake lady to discuss pricing and some other details. As our meeting drew to a close, Robert received a phone call from his mother and brother telling him the sad news that his grandfather had just passed away. Robert and I were about an hour away from the hospital at this point. The next week we completed the funerary process with a great deal of shock and sadness.

May:
My whole world was pain for the first week of May. I cried walking to and from my building and the parking lot. My surgery on May 6th was a great success, and I awoke grinning because I could finally feel the toes on my left foot again. May was pretty much wrapped up in recovering from surgery. Robert and my family took such great care of me. I fell more in love with Robert this month.

June:
After some recovery time, Robert and I attended Engaged Encounter weekend, which is required to be married in the Catholic church. We actually really enjoyed ourselves and took the weekend seriously so that it ended up meaning something to us. I spent June working on acquiring the books for my preliminary exams reading lists.

July:
Robert and I spent the fourth of July in Denver, CO with his family--they were having a business conference, and we tagged along as family members. Having now experienced a Colorado summer, we decided that we really did want to try to end up there. I also came up with some manageable weight loss goals...that I didn't reach. It's not the end of the world, though. Later in the month we had our engagement party. It was so wonderful to see both sides of the family and our friends all gathered together--it was like a mini-wedding reception, hehehe. I also spent most of July teaching a whirlwind 5-week World Literature course. It was the only way to work over the summer and still be able to have back surgery.

August:
Robert started his internship for the Master's in Secondary Education, and I started my first semester teaching without taking courses. My Auntie Ann died at the end of the month. It came as quite a shock to me because I didn't know that she was ill. Auntie Ann was the matriarch of my mom's side of the family, and one of the most important people on that side of the family.

September:
Robert and one of my best friends secretly planned a surprise trip to Disney World for the three of us on Labor Day weekend! We had so much fun going around the different parks as adults. I think our favorite park was Epcot. :) My sister also threw me my first bridal shower, which was absolutely too much fun! September was difficult for Robert because he realized that he hated his program and would much rather be teaching at the college level. We had a number of in depth, pragmatic discussions to figure out what would be the best plan of action.

October:
Robert's withdrawal from the M.Ed. program and graduate school was complete; the same week, he turned around and applied for the M.A. program in English, which required him to re-apply to graduate school. We bit our nails because we didn't hear anything for the whole month. I was trying to participate in a running course at our gym but was already having difficulty. A couple friends of mine and I decided that we wanted to try to learn some photography together, so we started going on photo hikes. My mom also took me dress shopping, and we bought my wedding dress! Every time I go home, I sneak a peek in the bag and fall in love with it over and over.

November:
We found out that Robert was successfully accepted into the M.A. program! He's actually already halfway through it because of the requirements for the M.Ed. in Language Arts, so all he has left to do is complete two more classes, take his comprehensive exams, and write a thesis. We might graduate at the same time--depending on me. He'll definitely graduate in May 2010. We spent Thanksgiving day with his family, and then went to my family's for the weekend after. When we returned from Thanksgiving break, I spent the next three weeks reading without pause because my exams will be in February.

December:
I literally spent on average 12 hours a day at the library, often leaving at 3 or 4 in the morning. I got through about a hundred books this way--January will be much in the same vein. We went to Breckenridge, CO with Robert's family for the week before Christmas, and then spent Christmas Eve through Christmas weekend with my family. We bought and mailed our save-the-date magnets, and Robert and I also celebrated the anniversary of our engagement. :) New Year's Eve was spent at a pajama party with some of our favorite people and their children. It was so cute and fun.

I suppose on average, 2008 was a decent enough year. There were so many emotional spikes and valleys, though, that it felt stressful and overwhelming. I'm happy to get to 2009.

Wedding countdown: 140 days to marital bliss! :D