A place for us

Yesterday evening, Robert and I went to see West Side Story at the Alabama Shakespeare Festival (ASF) with a couple of friends and their son. We had such an amazing time--all five of us! Even the kid, hehe. I was so impressed with how the kid behaved; he's ten years old, and West Side has the potential of being an expressly boring play for children. But because his mothers have been very interested in the growth of his mind (encouraging reading when bored, rather than vegging in front of the computer), he was capable of sitting still, engaging with the musical, laughing at the funny parts, clapping after the songs, and showing keen interest in the live orchestra. Although not my son, I was so proud of him. Robert and I talked about his good behavior all evening after we left their home. The next musical production coming to the ASF is Les Miserables. The first time (and last, as of yet) I saw Les Mis was with my roommate at the Fox Theatre in Atlanta. It was a brilliant production. I'm interested and excited to see how ASF handles it.

We had stellar seats last night, as well. We were on the ends of Rows B and C (Robert and I in the front, our friends and their son just behind us), just to the left of the orchestra pit. Basically, I could tell that the actor who played Riff had golden-brown eyes rather than just brown eyes. It was a beautiful production, and I'm so happy I've had the chance to see it live now. I was still buzzing from it this afternoon that Robert took me to a bookstore to buy the soundtrack. You know...so I can practice singing along, hehehe. Well, I can't help it that they have such beautiful songs that I want to sing along to!

Well, I haven't had much to say since my first post about my "bridal training," so perhaps now is a good opportunity.

What do I mean when I say "training?" Am I insulting myself or Robert when I use this term?

When I say "training," I mean the process by which I am preparing myself to be a good wife for Robert. I hope such a term doesn't contain derogatory or offensive undertones...I certainly don't see it myself. When I say that I want to be a good wife for Robert, I don't mean the kind of stereotyped "barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen," "get me a beer now, woman" kind of wife. Robert's not that kind of fiancé and certainly won't morph into that type of husband. Rather, I want to be the kind of wife who Robert deserves. I want my thoughts to be of him first, us second, and me third. I believe I can put myself last in this hierarchy because I know he'll be thinking of me first. (Oh, and to clarify, the gap between the three spots is negligible. I'm not suggesting that I'll never think of my own needs just because I'll think of them third.)

An example:

Perhaps, in the future, we have a major financial decision to make. I want to spend the money to purchase the item, but Robert would rather wait for the price to go down or for a better sale. My thought process should not be "well, I want it now, so I'm going to manipulate him into agreeing with me." Rather, it should be "what are Robert's needs for/concerns with this purchase? Is this good for our household right now, or can we wait? What are my needs for/concerns with this purchase?" At this stage in our relationship, we still have two separate checking accounts, two separate savings accounts. We don't check with each other before spending money, but (simultaneously) if we make a large purchase that can affect the future, we keep the other in the loop. I needed a new laptop this past March, but I obviously won't have it paid off before we're married. So, I included Robert in on the decision-making process because it will be OUR money together that will be making the final payments on the machine.

There are times when I feel I am accomplished in my ability to consider Robert's needs before mine. At those times, I feel confident that we will have a happy, healthy marriage and that I will make a good wife for him. There are other times when my own selfish desires overcloud my need to consider Robert's needs. During those times, I feel horrible, inconsiderate and that I still have work to do before I can call myself by my most desired title: his wife.

Another factor in which I need training is my ability to choose to be loved. I think this one is harder than choosing to love Robert. On a normal day, I find myself easily making the choice to be loved by him--he pays me a compliment, and I don't refute him. He does something to demonstrate his love for me, and I don't reject it. Instead I show my appreciation either by a heartfelt thanks or an equal demonstration of love for him (not simply physical, either).

There are some days, however, when I struggle to choose to be loved. Those are the days when I am feeling particularly hard on myself. Maybe something didn't go quite the way I wanted while I was teaching, and I'm criticizing my ability in the classroom. Maybe I didn't do as well at the gym as I know I could have done, and I'm analyzing every flaw in my body. Those are the days when Robert pays me a compliment and I struggle to accept it. But I try to remember one crucial detail on those days (and sometimes it's hard to emerge out from under my self-pity rock long enough to consider this detail)--when Robert chooses to love me and wants to demonstrate that love by compliments or other forms of affection, it must be such a blow to have that love declaimed. How would I feel if I told Robert that I was so proud of his accomplishments, and he responded with, "no, it's not a big deal"? I imagine I would be insulted on a level...how can he speak so lowly of something I regard with such high esteem? It's that detail that I try to have running through my mind before I refuse his love.

Sometimes I allow my own musing to get the best of my writing. I could write for ages about how I love Robert and what I've learned from him. When I entered graduate school, I was so overwhelmed by the academic load that I found myself not wanting to write about anything other than Shakespeare. I am so grateful to Robert for imbuing my life both with an additional, more fulfilling purpose, as well as for reinvigorating my drive to write about something besides scholarship.